When the Righties and the Lefties were kiddies...

Summary: As you may know, Bill O'Reilly has a new book coming out about his formative years.  This inspired me to take a look at what he, and other figures from the political landscape, might have been like when they were younglings.

Interested?

  Prepare yourselves, Kossacks.  I'm about to go all Bob Ross on your ass, and paint you a Happy Little Picture of days gone by...

  There's Little Bill O'Reilly.  He's struggling to build a snow sculpture in the shape of his head, trying to figure out the latest person to blame for why the sculpture keeps melting so fast, and insisting the melting has nothing to do with the fact that you're not going to have much luck building a snow-sculpture when it's 70 degrees outside (don't ask where he got the snow from).

  There's Little Keith Olbermann.  He's drinking an abnormal amount of water so that he has enough ammunition to pee all over Little Bill O'Reilly's snow sculpture...again.

  There's Little Michelle Malkin.  She's playing Cowboys and Indians.  She's an Indian, and she's sitting in the Pokey.  She's not there because she was captured on the battlefield trying to attack the Indians (she was just eating donuts, actually).  She's there because she thinks that, in a time of games, all Indians belong in the Pokey in order to help the Cowboys make the Old West safe.

  There's Little Ann Coulter.  She's running around, screaming.  All the other kids are avoiding her because, according to Irish folklore, if Little Ann comes up to you and starts screaming, your kitten will die.

  There's Little Stephen Colbert beside Little Dick Cheney.  They've got rubber bands around their fingers, preparing to fire the bands at some pretend-bears.  Little Stephen is marveling at how well he's fooled the other kids into thinking he's Little Dick's friend.  Little Dick is scared because he wanted to pretend they were hunting bears with no legs and no teeth, but Little Stephen insisted they pretend to hunt Satan-worshipping, robo-bears.

  There's Little William Kristol.  He's busy trying to convince everybody to get into a food fight with everybody else, even though there's no more food to throw and several of the kids are in the Nurse's Office after being hit in the eyes with sporks.

  There's Little Rush Limbaugh.  He's wondering why none of the girls seem to love him as much as he loves himself.  Surely, it has nothing to do with repeatedly talking about Little Hillary Clinton's "wee-wee lock-box", or how the problem with boys these days is that they act too much like little girls, or how strong-willed little girls are "femmynutzis", or how...

  There's Little Dennis Kucinich.  He's trying to get people to do something about the class bully.  But, none of the other kids are listening to him on account of the fact that he has a kid-sized head but adult-sized ears.

  There's Little Barack Obama.  He's sitting there, quietly, listening to other kids make fun of his name, who he hangs out with, which school he transferred from, his refusal to wear a name-tag, where he goes to church, where they think he used to go to church, and the fact that he flirts with girls by lightly punching them in the shoulder.  He's sitting there, quietly, taking all this crap, because in his mind he's telepathically making a deal with Xenu.  One day, the aliens will make him President, and then he'll sit back and allow them to wipe out every last one of these motherf*cking meanies in his kindergarten class.

  There's Little Antonin Scalia (thanks to "Kamarvt" for reminding me).  He's having a hard time distinguishing between a Bugs Bunny cartoon and the real world...and getting mad at anybody who doesn't think we should drop pianos on the bad guys like Bugs does.

  And then there's Little George Bush.  He's sitting there, ignored by others, and ignoring them in turn.  He's got a strange smirk on his face.  He's holding a tube of glue slightly below his nose, and the Jefferson Airplane song "White Rabbit" is playing in his head.

  In conclusion, if anybody's got any funny ideas for the other "kids", I'd be happy to include them in this Happy Little Picture.