Colbert withdrawal: the happiest of them all

Summary: Apparently forgetting that freedom never sleeps, Stephen Colbert decided to take off this week.  So I won't be getting to hear his take on the US being ranked the 16th happiest country in the world.

What follows is my attempt to show how he'd cover the story.

  Stephen stands before his self-portrait...

  ...which has been replaced by a greenscreen.

STEPHEN: Handsome bastard on the wall, who is the happiest country of them all?

  The greenscreen is replaced with an image of smoke, into which pops the face of MIRROR STEPHEN.

MIRROR STEPHEN: Although I wish this was merely snark, the happiest country is indeed Denmark.
STEPHEN: Denmark?  Denmark?!  What happened to America?
MIRROR STEPHEN: Uh, I thought we were doing the whole rhyme thing for this bit.
STEPHEN: I don't have time to rhyme!
MIRROR STEPHEN: You just did.
STEPHEN: (smiling) I did, didn't I?  Anyway, Magic Mirror, if America isn't ranked the #1 happiest country in the world, just where are we ranked?
MIRROR STEPHEN: Sixteenth.

  Stephen makes a weird, explosive, blowing noise.

MIRROR STEPHEN: What the heck was that?
STEPHEN: Oh, right.  I'm sorry.

  Stephen goes to the table, and picks up his mug.

STEPHEN: Repeat what you just said, please.
MIRROR STEPHEN: Um, America is the sixteenth happiest nation in the world.

  Stephen slowly drinks the water from his mug, then does a spit-take.

STEPHEN: Better?
MIRROR STEPHEN: Better.
STEPHEN: Okay, so who had the audacity to say we're not...as Sean Hannity so brilliantly put it...the greatest, best country God has ever given Man on the face of the Earth?
MIRROR STEPHEN: The World Values Survey.
STEPHEN: (snorts) Well, I've never heard of them, so obviously they don't exist.
MIRROR STEPHEN: Actually, they've been doing this survey since 1981.
STEPHEN: 1981?  If you tell me this isn't the first time we've lost this thing, I'm gonna...
MIRROR STEPHEN: Well, a different group did a study in 2006 that had us ranked 23rd.
STEPHEN: (staggering backward) 23rd?!  Who beat us that time?
MIRROR STEPHEN: You want the entire list?
STEPHEN: Just give me a name.  Any name.  I want to know who could possibly be happier than us.
MIRROR STEPHEN: The Seychelles was ranked #20.

  Stephen starts laughing so hard that he doubles over, practically crying.

STEPHEN: The Seychelles!  That's not even a real country!
MIRROR STEPHEN: Actually, it is.
STEPHEN: No way.
MIRROR STEPHEN: Way.
STEPHEN: No way!
MIRROR STEPHEN: Way!
STEPHEN: Says who?
MIRROR STEPHEN: Well, their Wikipedia page for one.
STEPHEN: Well, we'll just see about that.

  Stephen goes to the table, sits down, then starts typing on his laptop.

STEPHEN: Jesus Dubya Christ, they really do have a Wikipedia page.  Who do these upstarts think they are, stealing my happy-thunder?  Well, I've got a little surprise for them.  This is Wikipedia.  My world.  My rules.  Let's edit this puppy.  (starts typing) The Seychelles is...an imaginary country...just off the coast...of the Island of Misfit Toys.  It is ruled by Sally...who has recently decided to sell the Seychelles...by...the...seyshore.  (types one last key) "Submit." (cackles loudly) Eat it, Seychelles!
MIRROR STEPHEN: You realize, of course, that they're just one country on that list.  What are you gonna do about the others?
STEPHEN: There's only one thing we can do...invade them.  That's right, we have to invade every country on this planet that's happier than us.
MIRROR STEPHEN: We can't do that.
STEPHEN: Why not?
MIRROR STEPHEN: Our military's bogged down in Iraq.
STEPHEN: Oh...right.  Okay, time for a low-tech approach.

  Stephen crosses the studio to his desk, sits down, then pulls out an apple, and stares into the camera.

STEPHEN: Hey Denmark, how's about a nice, shiny apple?  What's that, Denmark?  You think it's poisoned?  What reason could I...Stephen Tiberius Colbert...possibly have to poison you, the (suppressing his rage) happiest...country...in the world?  What's that, Denmark?  You want me to take the first bite of this apple to prove I haven't poisoned it?  Okay.

  Stephen, with his right hand, lowers the apple past the top of his desk, where we can't see it.  With his left hand, he pulls up an apple with a huge bitemark in it, and puts it about an inch away from his mouth.  Then he starts expanding his cheeks to simulate biting.

STEPHEN: Mmm.  Mmm.  That is such a delicious apple.  This is the most delicious apple I've ever tasted.  Okay, Denmark (reverses the movement of his hands to bring back the original apple), now it's your turn to taste this sweet, delicious apple...that is in no way poisoned because I'm pissed that your country is happier than mine.  Go ahead, try it.  (lowers apple again, but doesn't replace it) Mmm.  I was right, wasn't I, Denmark?  That is a tasty burger...I'm sorry.  Getting my movies mixed up.  That is a tasty apple, isn't it Denmark?  What's that?  You're choking?  Well, I'd be happy to give you the Heimlich maneuver.  In fact, I'd be the sixteenth happiest person in the world to help you out.  Uh oh.  Make that the fifteenth.

  You're next, Puerto Rico!  There can be only one!  USA!  USA!  USA!